ferlinfie

I STILL HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO IN LOVE

寫於 2010年12月22日 17:32

These last two weeks of 365 Days of Love have been an up and down whirlwind of love lessons. I’m not going to expound on what I did each day, the descriptions and pictures can explain themselves. I did want to just take some time to reflect about this past year of love. I plan to write a few reflections… Each day I’m given the opportunity to love others. Sometimes I get to help someone, other days I get to listen, some days I get to do something really generous, where as other days the real life lessons of love are so deep that I can’t even mention them because I am still trying to figure out what I’m learning. The real acts of love are not so much in the little acts of love that are done each day, but in learning to love within. What do I mean? Love, doesn’t begin with others, love begins with God. God is love. Without knowing God’s love we can’t properly love ourselves, others, or anything. The more I get to know God’s love, the more I understand how to love myself, and when I love myself I can truly love others. In this process I realize I continue to fail to love others, which makes me realize more my need to know God’s love in order to heal the wounds within. I know it sounds a little complicated, but here is my main point…

You can’t love others without first loving yourself. You can’t love yourself without first understanding God’s love for you. You can’t love God until you discover who He really is and who you are in His eyes…

This year I have loved a lot of people, I have shown little random acts of kindness here and there, but in the end all those acts of love are good but they don’t really mean anything unless I know what true love is, until I am motivated from a place of love and not a place of fear, insecurity, control or pain. The more I love others, the more I realize I am not good at loving at all, because the more I try to love the more I seem to fail. This year I have failed at loving some of the closest people in my life. I failed to love them because I failed to recognize that I didn’t have love within me to start with. I am a broken man, driven by many passions, but more and more I recognize my passions are driven by fear. If I don’t love will I be loved? If I don’t give will I be received? If I do nothing will that be okay? I know the answers to these questions in my head, but it’s a whole other reality to know it in your heart, in your daily life, in your truest being. I think I am afraid to love, but the reason I took on this 365 Days of love project was because I wanted to learn how to love. Not talk about it, but be about it. Not preach it, but learn it. How can I talk about love, or teach others to love if I myself don’t know what it is, have not experienced it truly from deep within?

I’ve met a lot of people this year who “love well” they love a lot better than I do and they are not doing a 365 Days of Love project. I am no hero, really I am not someone to look up to, I’m just a normal human being learning like everyone of us how to love each day a little more. Love takes time and busyness kills love. Sadly, I’ve been really really busy this year trying to love but maybe missing the whole point. I think loving well is like a “painting” it takes time, effort, creativity, patience, imagination, passion, dedication, perseverance, hope, faith, trust and commitment… to love well is not a little thing per se, don’t get me wrong giving someone a cup of coffee, holding out a chair, playing with a kid, giving a random stranger a smile, loving on someone with a big hug, these are all acts of love… but I feel love has varying degrees. The deepest kind of love is not pretty, but ugly and lovely all at the same time.

I think about Jesus’ parable about the Good Samaritan who found the wounded man on the street, bandaged him, took him to an inn, cleaned up his wounds, paid for his hospital bills, checked on him and sacrificed his wants for this wounded mans healing…. it wasn’t a small thing he did, it was big… so big it took everything in and out of him to love well. I think when it comes down to it all… I can only give to others what I have been given by God… but that starts with getting humble, getting honest with who I really am and who I really am not, acknowledging my need to heal and being willing to go through the long process of loving myself in the ways I need so that I can be a true blessing to others…

This last week some major challenges came into my life, they are private issues but I am having to face them in a big way and persevere in following the way of love. I’ve had to take time out, cancel plans, upset and disappoint a lot of people, but if I don’t face it I won’t be able to overcome it… I have to be like the Good Samaritan and not ignore pain, but embrace it and learn to love through it, do what is necessary in the name of love and by doing so learn what love is, hopefully. I’m taking some time off right now to process it all…. none better to do this than with family, with true friends and with God and myself wrestling it out each day so that my non loving self would die and my God loving true me might live… 365 Days of Love updates from the past weeks… :) Still learning to love, I have a long way to go but every moment of love counts …