ferlinfie

Jacob: Sara, what shall I buy you for your fiftieth birthday? Would you like a new Cartier?
Sara: No, not really.
Jacob: Let's take a trip to Paris!"
Sara: No, thanks.
Jacob: How about we finally get that yacht…
Sara: No, no!
Jacob: Sara, tell me what would make you happy?
Sara: A divorce.
Jacob: Well, I wasn't thinking of spending that much.

If we were meant to be biological partners, shouldn't it be easy to work as a team?Today's divorce rate is high. But while the divorce rate has been gradually increasing with each passing decade, making marriage work has never been easy. Somewhere in the beginning of my marriage, my mentor told me unequivocally: "Marriage is not for the feeble and weak-kneed." It takes a lot of focus and resolution to get along.

But why should it be so hard? If G‑d created men and women as a match then shouldn't marriage be a smooth and natural transition? If we were meant to be biological partners, shouldn't it be easy to work as a team?

Five hundred years ago, a Talmudic scholar and Jewish mystic addressed this very question. His name was Judah Lowe, better known simply as the Maharal. Born in 1520, he served as the rabbi of Prague for most of his life.

What would a 16^th century rabbi understand about a modern marriage, one based upon equality and individualism? More than we'd think. In his fascinating commentary to the Torah, the Maharal picks up and examines an unusual phrase in the beginning of Genesis (2:18): "It is not good that man is alone; I shall make him a helpmate opposite him."

After creating man, G‑d decides that it's time to create a woman, and before doing so He expresses the dynamic of their relationship: "a helpmate opposite him." This description is a classic oxymoron; a "helpmate" implies assistance, while "opposite him" implies resistance.

The Maharal sees in these words a very telling instruction about the intent of marriage. A person, he writes, can be a helpmate to his parents, for example, but shouldn't ever stand to oppose them. "But a woman," he continues, "who is of equal value and importance to a man, will help him and oppose him."

Perhaps she can help him by opposing and challenging his viewpoint at times. Disagreements in marriage can be a real exercise in humility and maturity and force us to transcend our subjectivity. If we embrace the discomfort of the dispute we can come out with a lot more than a wounded ego.

We grow when our opinions are challengedThe Talmud tells us about two great sages, Rabbi Yochanan and Reish Lakish. They were close friends and study partners (brothers-in-law, too). When Reish Lakish died, Rabbi Yochanan mourned him so deeply that he was unable to be consoled. Without his study partner he could not go on with life. Rabbi Yochanan's students begged him to return to the study hall and study with them. Rabbi Yochanan agreed and his students were relieved. But Rabbi Yochanan was not consoled; he cried out loud saying, "Alas! When I laid out my initial proposition you showed me numerous supporting proofs for my argument—but when I learned with Reish Lakish he would bring the same amount of arguments to disprove the validity of my argument."

We grow when our opinions are challenged.

And then the Maharal brings a second understanding of the words:

A woman's power, he says, is the direct opposite of a man's. When two opposing powers join into one force, an entirely new force emerges, one that has much more intensity than either one individually. If peace and unity prevail between the male and female energy, then the two are indeed very lucky.

It's not only about tolerance and humility, it's about utilizing differences to create a powerful team. In my mind I see it as the weight and thrust dynamic used to launch a rocket. The tug-of-war of forces propels the rocket out of its native atmosphere and into a whole new orbit.

So maybe it's okay to be opposite, and even to challenge one another. After all, woman was created as the helpmate opposite him.

18. It is not good that the man should be alone¹³⁶ Moses now explains the design of God in creating the woman; namely, that there should be human beings on the earth who might cultivate mutual society between themselves. Yet a doubt may arise whether this design ought to be extended to progeny, for the words simply mean that since it was not expedient for man to be alone, a wife must be created, who might be his helper. I, however, take the meaning to be this, that God begins, indeed, at the first step of human society, yet designs to include others, each in its proper place. The commencement, therefore, involves a general principle, that man was formed to be a social animal.¹³⁷ Now, the human race could not exist without the woman; and, therefore, in the conjunction of human beings, that sacred bond is especially conspicuous, by which the husband and the wife are combined in one body, and one soul; as nature itself taught Plato, and others of the sounder class of philosophers, to speak. But although God pronounced, concerning Adam, that it would not be profitable for him to be alone, yet I do not restrict the declaration to his person alone, but rather regard it as a common law of man’s vocation, so that every one ought to receive it as said to himself, that solitude is not good, excepting only him whom God exempts as by a special privilege. Many think that celibacy conduces to their advantage,¹³⁸ and therefore, abstain from marriage, lest they should be miserable. Not only have heathen writers defined that to be a happy life which is passed without a wife, but the first book of Jerome, against Jovinian, is stuffed with petulant reproaches, by which he attempts to render hallowed wedlock both hateful and infamous. To these wicked suggestions of Satan let the faithful learn to oppose this declaration of God, by which he ordains the conjugal life for man, not to his destruction, but to his salvation.

I will make him an help It may be inquired, why this is not said in the plural number, Let us make, as before in the creation of man. Some suppose that a distinction between the two sexes is in this manner marked, and that it is thus shown how much the man excels the woman. But I am better satisfied with an interpretation which, though not altogether contrary, is yet different; namely, since in the person of the man the human race had been created, the common dignity of our whole nature was without distinction, honored with one eulogy, when it was said, Let us make man; nor was it necessary to be repeated in creating the woman, who was nothing else than an accession to the man. Certainly, it cannot be denied, that the woman also, though in the second degree, was created in the image of God; whence it follows, that what was said in the creation of the man belongs to the female sex. Now, since God assigns the woman as a help to the man, he not only prescribes to wives the rule of their vocation to instruct them in their duty, but he also pronounces that marriage will really prove to men the best support of life. We may therefore conclude, that the order of nature implies that the woman should be the helper of the man. The vulgar proverb, indeed, is, that she is a necessary evil; but the voice of God is rather to be heard, which declares that woman is given as a companion and an associate to the man, to assist him to live well. I confess, indeed, that in this corrupt state of mankind, the blessing of God, which is here described, is neither perceived nor flourishes; but the cause of the evil must be considered, namely, that the order of nature, which God had appointed, has been inverted by us. For if the integrity of man had remained to this day such as it was from the beginning, that divine institution would be clearly discerned, and the sweetest harmony would reign in marriage; because the husband would look up with reverence to God; the woman in this would be a faithful assistant to him; and both, with one consent, would cultivate a holy, as well as friendly and peaceful intercourse. Now, it has happened by our fault, and by the corruption of nature, that this happiness of marriage has, in a great measure, perished, or, at least, is mixed and infected with many inconveniences. Hence arise strifes, troubles, sorrows, dissensions, and a boundless sea of evils; and hence it follows, that men are often disturbed by their wives, and suffer through them many discouragements. Still, marriage was not capable of being so far vitiated by the depravity of men, that the blessing which God has once sanctioned by his word should be utterly abolished and extinguished. Therefore, amidst many inconveniences of marriage, which are the fruits of degenerate nature, some residue of divine good remains; as in the fire apparently smothered, some sparks still glitter. On this main point hangs another, that women, being instructed in their duty of helping their husbands, should study to keep this divinely appointed order. It is also the part of men to consider what they owe in return to the other half of their kind, for the obligation of both sexes is mutual, and on this condition is the woman assigned as a help to the man, that he may fill the place of her head and leader. One thing more is to be noted, that, when the woman is here called the help of the man, no allusion is made to that necessity to which we are reduced since the fall of Adam; for the woman was ordained to be the man’s helper, even although he had stood in his integrity. But now, since the depravity of appetite also requires a remedy, we have from God a double benefit: but the latter is accidental.

Meet for him¹³⁹ In the Hebrew it is כנגדו (kenegedo,) “as if opposite to,” or “over against him.” כ (Caph) in that language is a note of similitude. But although some of the Rabbies think it is here put as an affirmative, yet I take it in its general sense, as though it were said that she is a kind of counterpart, (ἀντίστοικον, or ἀντίστροφον;¹⁴⁰) for the woman is said to be opposite to or over against the man, because she responds to him. But the particle of similitude seems to me to be added because it is a form of speech taken from common usage.¹⁴¹The Greek translators have faithfully rendered the sense, Κατ᾿’ αὐτόν;¹⁴² and Jerome, “Which may be like him,”¹⁴³ for Moses intended to note some equality. And hence is refitted the error of some, who think that the woman was formed only for the sake of propagation, and who restrict the word “good,” which had been lately mentioned, to the production of offspring. They do not think that a wife was personally necessary for Adam, because he was hitherto free from lust; as if she had been given to him only for the companion of his chamber, and not rather that she might be the inseparable associate of his life. Wherefore the particle כ (caph) is of importance, as intimating that marriage extends to all parts and usages of life. The explanation given by others, as if it were said, Let her be ready to obedience, is cold; for Moses intended to express more, as is manifest from what follows.

8 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.   19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.   20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

Here we have, I. An instance of the Creator's care of man and his fatherly concern for his comfort, v. 18. Though God had let him know that he was a subject, by giving him a command, (v. 16, 17), yet here he lets him know also, for his encouragement in his obedience, that he was a friend, and a favourite, and one whose satisfaction he was tender of. Observe,

1. How God graciously pitied his solitude: It is not good that man, this man, should be alone. Though there was an upper world of angels and a lower world of brutes, and he between them, yet there being none of the same nature and rank of beings with himself, none that he could converse familiarly with, he might be truly said to be alone. Now he that made him knew both him and what was good for him, better than he did himself, and he said, "It is not good that he should continue thus alone." (1.) It is not for his comfort; for man is a sociable creature. It is a pleasure to him to exchange knowledge and affection with those of his own kind, to inform and to be informed, to love and to be beloved. What God here says of the first man Solomon says of all men (Eccl. iv. 9, &c.), that two are better than one, and woe to him that is alone. If there were but one man in the world, what a melancholy man must he needs be! Perfect solitude would turn a paradise into a desert, and a palace into a dungeon. Those therefore are foolish who are selfish and would be placed alone in the earth. (2.) It is not for the increase and continuance of his kind. God could have made a world of men at first, to replenish the earth, as he replenished heaven with a world of angels: but the place would have been too strait for the designed number of men to live together at once; therefore God saw fit to make up that number by a succession of generations, which, as God had formed man, must be from two, and those male and female; one will be ever one.

2. How God graciously resolved to provide society for him. The result of this reasoning concerning him was this kind resolution, I will make a help-meet for him; a help like him (so some read it), one of the same nature and the same rank of beings; a help near him (so others), one to cohabit with him, and to be always at hand; a help before him (so others), one that he should look upon with pleasure and delight. Note hence, (1.) In our best state in this world we have need of one another's help; for we are members one of another, and the eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of thee, 1 Cor. xii. 21. We must therefore be glad to receive help from others, and give help to others, as there is occasion. (2.) It is God only who perfectly knows our wants, and is perfectly able to19supply them all, Phil. iv. 19. In him alone our help is, and from him are all our helpers. (3.) A suitable wife is a help-meet, and is from the Lord. The relation is then likely to be comfortable when meetness directs and determines the choice, and mutual helpfulness is the constant care and endeavour, 1 Cor. vii. 33, 34. (4.) Family-society, if it is agreeable, is a redress sufficient for the grievance of solitude. He that has a good God, a good heart, and a good wife, to converse with, and yet complains he wants conversation, would not have been easy and content in paradise; for Adam himself had no more: yet, even before Eve was created, we do not find that he complained of being alone, knowing that hewas not alone, for the Father was with him. Those that are most satisfied in God and his favour are in the best way, and in the best frame, to receive the good things of this life, and shall be sure of them, as far as Infinite Wis