Handling Forgiving and Forgetting

What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?

1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.

3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.

4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.

5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.

6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.

7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality. 

8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure, and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.

9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment, or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.

10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity, and gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness and worth to shine through. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support, and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others, and the world whereby gifts, talents, and skills are freely appreciated and shared.

Negative consequences of the absences of forgiving and forgetting

In the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the partners in a relationship run the risk of:

·   Continuously being hurt with pain and suffering going unresolved.

·   Unresolved guilt and remorse for offenses committed.

·   Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks from one another.

·   Being caught up in unresolved anger, animosity, and bitterness.

·   Defensive, self-protective, and distant behavior.

·   Blaming, negative and non-growth oriented behavior.

·   Being stuck in a battlefield stockpiled for future offensive attacks.

·   Being lost in a festering wound that never realizes the revitalization of healing.

·   Secretive and non-communicative behavior.

·   Fear over making a mistake or of having the mistake revealed.

·   Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem, fear of conflict.

·   High stress.

Signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting

Lack of forgiving and forgetting in a relationship can result in:

·   Irreconcilable differences between people

·   Indifference toward one another

·   An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared

·   Chronic attacks or angry outbursts

·   Addressing or interacting with one another disrespectfully

·   One-upmanship: competition as to who can out do whom in terms of eliciting sympathy, compassion, or understanding from outsiders

·   Seeking revenge from one another

·   Pitting the parties in the relationship against one another through coalitions and taking sides

·   Chronic recalling and reminding of past hurts and offenses

·   Suspicions about the others' motives, behavior, attitudes, beliefs

·   Chronic depression

·   Chronic hostility

·   Name calling, belittling and demeaning one another

·   Responding to present behavior as if they were past behavior

·   Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change

Beliefs shared by people who refuse to forgive or forget

·   I was hurt so much; how could you ever expect me to forgive and forget that.

·   I never deserved the treatment I received, and I do not believe that forgiving and forgetting is deserved in this situation.

·   I am sick because of that treatment; how can I ever forgive or forget that?

·   There are people who are inherently evil, and they are despicable. No forgiving or forgetting will ever change that.

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